Before Baby GHM was born I had always heard that having a baby was the most overwhelming experience of love you would ever have – that the love you feel for children is unique for its’ uncomplicated pureness and depth. This is true, babies are very easy to love, partly because they are so pure.
When the midwives first handed Baby GHM to me I knew she was beautiful and kind and wonderful and that she had changed my life through the simple act of being born. However, as the days have passed I’ve found myself wondering when that magic ‘click’ of unconditional love and connectedness was going to hit me. I watch my baby and I see how beautiful she is, I see her mind start to work on creating connections as her tiny hands grab at things with slightly more certainty each time. I read to her and sleep with her hot, sweaty body pressed against my soft, stretched stomach. I nurse her when I’m so tired I could scream and smell her hair every chance I get. Sometimes I just lay there and watch her; looking into her unfocused little eyes and wondering what she dreams about.
With all this love I still didn’t feel that ‘click’ though, I always felt a little remote, like a part of me hadn’t truly connected. I mostly thought this was because I am lucky enough to experience what I feel to be unconditional love, from my husband, my family and many close friends. I have been lucky enough to be accepted and encouraged every step of a sometimes chaotic journey. I thought that what I feel for our baby is so natural I just wasn’t going to have a ‘click’ moment or maybe I just wasn’t going to be that kind of mom.
A couple weeks ago Baby GHM was fussing and didn’t want to sleep and I was dancing around our living room area to random songs on Spotify, attempting to rock her to sleep. The song ‘Orange Sky’ by Alexi Murdoch came on the computer and as I sung the chorus to her I felt my ‘click’ moment. The chorus of ‘Orange Sky’ is the line, “In your love, my salvation lies, in your love, my salvation lies.”
With Baby GHM’s entrance into my life I feel like every petty emotion or immature reaction I’ve had, every time I’ve acted poorly or selfishly, every thoughtless or deliberately hurtful comment I’ve said to someone, all these things are being washed away. The pure love that my child has towards me makes me want to be the best person, the best parent, the best role model I can be.
In her love my salvation lies.
Cheers and Love,
Maple and Me