Cauldron Cooker

There is a show, a brilliant television show, called “Criminal Minds” featuring my Number 1 Celebrity Crush Matthew Gray Gubler. My sister and I (for a brief amount of time over Winter Break three years ago) ventured that we could maybe look into a career of designing, creating and building Serial Killer ‘Dens’ on the ‘Criminal Minds’ show. These ‘dens’ were often featured in an extended takes of “Look at how insanely creepy this home is, someone creepy actually lives in this creepy room that has all these creepily bubbling pots and creepy photos of one person all over the walls and only uses creepy candlelight and has either a bunch of creepy padding all over the walls, creepy doors with slots in them or creepy cages all over the floor.” Defining word? Creepy. My sister thought this might be able to provide her useful information to further her potential career of working for the FBI as an actual profiler from the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit. I just wanted to get close to Matthew and his beautiful hands.

This idea, as most ideas composed at 4 a.m. after watching six hours of serial killers, was not founded in any kind of actual reality and therefore did not really go anywhere after that one burst of 15 minutes of “We could do this. No, I mean, we could actually do this.”

However, the longer I live at the Garagehome, the more I realize that I am living in a place that, sometimes, through new eyes, could look vaguely ‘den-ish.’ Not the inside of course; the inside of our sweet Garagehome is as cozy and warm as could be. I speak of the outside; the unfinished siding, the various grouse wings and feet we use as trap-bait that are hung or nailed to various sheds and posts. The traps that hang on the wood sheds and, when the wind blows through our land, shift and clank against each other. The various animal skulls we trap, hunt or just find and then keep or give as gifts. (You know who else gives skulls as gifts? Creeeeeepy people.)

Our latest addition to this ‘den-ing’ effect would be our outdoor cauldron boiler! In this boiler we can boil all our traps at once, and also boil all the meat scraps off skulls so that, you know, they are super nice animal skulls to give people. (Etiquette peoples…etiquette is VERY important to Maple and Me.)

Maple made the outdoor cauldron boiler and its’ existing stand. He constructed, I took photos and offered ideas on emotions (“Now try looking dismissive. You’re dismissive of your cauldron boiler!”)

Take one metal washbasin.

Drill holes and affix metal carabiner.

Affix chain.

With a pair of pliers.

Two holes almost done.

Happy Maple.

Ready to suspend!

Hanging successfully in the Garagehome. This photo prompted me to ask, “Why DO we have a huge bolt in our ceiling?” Maple’s response, “It’s a Garagehome.”

Standing next to the Cauldron Boiler. Like a boss.

Maple’s Model Response to my coaching of ‘Look disapproving! You’re disapproving of this Cauldron Boiler!’

Maple built this Cauldron Stand in approximately 2.5 minutes. He was pretty excited.

And we were in business.

I’m sure most people who look at my photos see that I have a fascination with hands. I think they’re one of the most attractive parts of people’s bodies. I love Maple’s hands (even more than Matthew Gray Gubler’s, I must admit.) Other characteristics that I find attractive? Competency would be right up there as one of the most attractive personality traits a person can have. And if you’re competent and have beautiful, large hands with long, graceful fingers? Whoo. Where do you want me?

Though our inclination for outdoor decoration (and our precipitously steep driveway) does cut down slightly on walk-by neighbors, I wouldn’t change things for all the creepy stalker photos in a “Criminal Minds” serial killer den.

Cheers and Love,

Maple and Me

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